If you’re anything like me then the longest thing you’ve written all year is a tweet about that time your friend’s cat did a thing.
But February is different, mid-February you are expected to write a Valentine’s card. And the awkward thing about cards is that you’re faced with a large blank space which society expects you to fill with something other than LOL or K.
It turns out in 2018 expressing yourself without an animated gif or two is actually bloody hard.
Well, don’t sweat it folks, caus I’ve got some tips to make your life super easy.
1. Clouds are lame
You might be tempted to buy a card with a poem pre-printed inside. This seems like a good idea because you will have to write less but DON’T be fooled, these poems are all awful and super lame. Sometimes the card is even wrapped in plastic so you can’t proof read the poem, beware because it will undoubtedly contain something awkward about clouds and/or souls. These cards are specially designed to make everyone who comes into contact with them projectile vomit.
2. Invest in a sharpie
Or even better one of those white board markers (if you work in an office you can probably steal one for free – I’m definitely NOT speaking from experience here). This means your writing will be extra large, making it look like you’ve written an essay of love, when really you’ve just written your name.
3. Steal stuff from the internet
If you still want to write a little something then use one of these poems, not only are they dead romantic (sort of) but they also don’t have any long words in them, so you can probably fit them in, even using the marker pen you stole in step 2.
The worst thing about real-life cards is the lack of auto-correct. So when you have no idea how to spell a word, you can’t just mash the keypad and then blame the mess on your phone. So here’s a great tip, when you make a mistake just doodle it into a cute whimsical bug, and no one will ever know. Whilst we’re on the subject of spelling, is there meant to be an apostrophe in Valentine’s Day? Who the fuck knows or cares? Just doodle a ladybird in that general area, and no one will be able to prove you don’t know.
5. Last Resort
If you’re still stuck, don’t worry just buy one of my cards, and leave me a message saying “please pre-write something witty and amazing in this to my loved one”. Go on, I dare you.
Happy Valentine’s Day! x